School Jokes

As an adult, it's exciting to know that I'll soon be old enough to play a high school student on ABC Family.

Moaning and gasping "Give it to me baby!" during a prostate exam will leave you looking for a new doctor. Anybody know one?

[circus school] "So to tame the lion, you have this whip..." What if the lion's too close? [picking up tiny stool] "we've thought of that"

"Dad can we get a puppy?" "No but we can get a submarine if you like?" [2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific] "dad I should be at school"

Hey moms! Here's a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, "YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!"

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

"Iraqi Suicide Bomb Instructor Accidentally Kills 22 Pupils." Finally, some school violence everybody can support.

4th grade student: How old are you? Me: Quite a bit older than you. Student: So like 23? Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

The school wants to test my kid for gifted but the program doesn't have "my kid is gifted" bumper stickers, so, like, what's the point?

Drove my son to school only to realize there was a 2 hour late start. I should have dressed him warmer. He looked cold, sitting on the curb.

Student loans: because you should know what it's like to be one of the poor people you're always going on about

*Picking up my kid from school in 20 years* Me: Yo shawty leggo. Kid: Please no. Me: Stop hating YOLO. Kid: You're embarrassing. Me: Swag.

[reading Harry Potter] Me: Do you know what's going on? 3-year-old: He went to lizard school. I'd correct her, but her version is better.

My daughter asked me to help her find a job because she's learned enough in school. She's 5.

Congress always makes me feel nostalgic for college when I waited for the last minute to do shitty work and blame anyone but myself.

Imagine you're about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a "University of Phoenix" degree on the wall

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents

I practiced cursive for years in elementary school & my electronic bank signature still looks like it was signed by a drunk monkey.

Eleven: We're not allowed to wear spaghetti straps at school. The straps must be at least 2 inches wide. Six: Oh yeah, lasagna straps.

"KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE'RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!" -- Centipede parents

I was the top student at Ninja school, but I failed because they kept marking me absent.

People always ask why I'm wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my senor year.

My dog can eat more condoms than your honor student.

*pretends floor is lava* *looks around* *slyly pushes homework onto the floor*