School Jokes

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she'd pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

[dropping kids off at school] ME: Ok, learn a lot today KIDS: But school doesn't start for another week ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

4pm Me: How was school today? Kid: ... 6pm Me: Do anything fun today? Kid: ... Bedtime Me: Goodnight! Kid: Guess what happened at school?

I flunked out of clown college due to taking it too seriously.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

I bet Sherlock Holmes rocked the shit out of elementary school.

I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team

It's late and I'm wondering what my high school girlfriend is doing now. I'd call her but I know she has a big algebra test tomorrow.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Captain Morgan and Cap'n Crunch awkwardly chat at their naval college class reunion.

I bet most of business school is spent teaching students how to confidently swivel in big leather chairs.

(Animal school) Lion: That's my desk Wildebeast: Sorry, I'm gnu -5 minutes later Sloth: *slowly falling from chair* Ha. Ha. Ha. Gnu!

[math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct [later at home] I think she's on to us, mathmachicken

1st grade: Color inside the lines. 10th grade: Color outside the lines. Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

Resistance training But me dragging my kids into school.

Me: Hi, what's a good school binder for my 10yo girl here? Clerk: Trapper Keeper? Me: Haha, no, she's my own daughter.

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn't go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

A Chicago High School played Justin Bieber's "Baby" between classes and students had to pay to stop it - They earned $1,000 in 3 days.

choose one to drop: 1. acid 2. bass 3. out of college 4. the assault charges 5. that thun thun thun

idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school

Not to brag but I can still fit in my culturally-defined gender roles from high school!

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we've had to dissect frogs.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING: Hiring recent college grads REQUIREMENTS: 5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Overheard this locker room convo: "The new school janitor is weird. He's always hiding in here when we're showering". I took my mop and left

i get disappointed every time a catholic school's mascot isn't the fightin' jesuses (jesi?)