School Jokes

Oh, your kid gets straight A's at school? That's cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it "shes probably lying airlines".

I bet if Jeff Bridges picked up your kid from school today & said "I'm your dad now," your kid wouldn't even question it.

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you? DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn't easy

[at my high school reunion] Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb's house? "Dude that was in 1991."

A black guy willing to hold a frisbee, smile and sit on some grass with white kids can make a career out of appearing in college brochures.

[elementary school] BULLY: gimme your lunch money ME: no B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it M: ok but this has to stop I'm your teacher

Apparently telling the principal that "it's not cheating, it's cooperative learning" was the wrong thing to say.

You can lie about where you went to college & nobody has any idea. Pretty sure you can also just lie about going to college.

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP'S BEHAVIOR "UNACCEPTABLE" BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

If any of you guys are considering law school, please keep in mind I passed the bar exam in multiple states & now I'm a purple hippo online

Me: Off to adult school recess! Boss: it's called lunch.. Me: *runs by dribbling basketball with two hands

People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.

Billy where is your homework? "im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it"

People think life after college is nothing but feeling tired all the time, but that's just not true. There's also a ton of fear and anxiety.

I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

A funny thing I like to do is yell 'God, not your WHOLE hand' when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3. When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.

Why do the proms stop after high school? Just because I'm an adult now doesn't mean I don't still need to grind on people to Lil' Jon songs.

Teacher: Why are you late? Boy: My fish died. Teacher: What fish? Boy: You don't know him he goes to different school.

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day? Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

Meanwhile, at School: Teacher- "How much is a gram?" Laure- "Depends on what you want" Teacher- "Out, just get out" #YouOwnedHimDude

high school was the free trial version of college. "if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000"

Wife : don't forget to pick up the kids at the school Me : why

[doctors exam] "I'm feeling a lump here. Here's another. You have several lumps." -uh oh, what does that mean doc? "it means you're fat"