School Jokes

College parties are great: You're taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control--I saved one for my kids. To split.

I'm on pace to see 3.7 million Aflac commercials this college football season.

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

"Give me your Vitamin Water and your organic gluten-free cookies unless there's peanuts in them because I'm allergic." - 2012 school bully

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

Facebook has really revolutionized how quickly we find out friends from high school gave up on their dreams.

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She's in the shower & I'm wondering when she realizes it's Sunday. This is beautiful.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

Stop complaining about the length of the Hobbit movies. Plays are 17 hours long. School plays are twice that.

i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A's and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G

[job interview] "any public speaking experience?" not since the valedictorian speech in high school "very impressive" I yelled 'YOU SUCK'

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!? "Mom, it's-" *dad makes throat slice gesture* "No one, Mom. No one"

DOCTOR: You've suffered a brain injury. It's affected your hippocampus ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

Still suddenly panicking that you haven't done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I'll assume you're Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

Please pray for the private school kid whose dad drops him off in a 3-year-old car.

Pretty sure Zinedine Zidane never forgave his parents for all the waiting he had to do for his attendance call in school.

You know you're old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did my assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

Hi college freshmen! I hope when you selected bedding for your dorm room you asked yourself, "Can I see myself throwing up on this pattern?"

"I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo" -oh, u drive a school bus? "LMAO Hell no! I'm a drug smuggler u nerd"

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera