Parents Jokes

Dad, did you let the parrot name me? - Haha, no that's ridiculous, Brock.

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Mom: can i borrow your laptop? Me: *deletes history* Me: *logs out of twitter* Me: *closes chrome* Me: *opens internet explorer* Me: sure

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

"Sorry, her father is a pterodactyl" - me with the screeching baby in the grocery store.

To my future kids: I apologize for the lack of college funds... Blame mom, she INSISTED on organic produce from Whole Foods.

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this. 4yos: Me: 4yos: Me: 4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married. Me: That's every culture son.

Darth Vader, you are the father! --Star Wars cast on the set of Maury

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend's dad for the first time?

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks "is that your puppy?" say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.

"Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!" *Snatches glass and hands to my wife

If Skittles were made from actual fruit, I'd be considered a much better parent.

My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

When I say to my kids "sit here and watch cartoons" they hear "come and bug me while I am trying to take naughty pictures for daddy."

Mom: a little birdie told me you got drunk last night Me: you're the one friggen talking to birds

FISHING TRIP Joseph *casting his line*: Son, your mother thinks it's time I tell you- You're agodpted. Jesus *runs across the lake crying*

Your parent's house: a place where even bad photos find their way into frames.

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An 'anonymous tip' should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?' Kristen: 'Mom you eat it all the time and I haven't seen ANY improvement.'

Lies I'll never stop telling: 1. I'd never put you in a home, mom. 2. It's 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.

[graduation] ...and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear* [crowd cries] *dad walks in holding starbucks* "traffic, my bad"

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who's the idiot now Mom!?

I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It's slightly weirder now that I'm in my 20s and doing it on purpose.