Parents Jokes

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

Mom hires magician for birthday party, Voldemort #badluckbrian

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

4: Mommy, you're just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend. Me: Aww! Sure! 4:You can be the Beast. Me: ... 4: Or the fat sea witch!

"Do you need help with your math homework Billy?" "Yeah I sure do Dad!" "Well you're shit out of luck"

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight? Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.

After watching how stressful it was for Clark Kent's dad, I don't know if I could adopt a kid from a blown-up planet.

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight* MOM: *shouting* use your words! MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

I've slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

Invitations: $10 Cupcakes: $15 Facility rental: $100 Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless Math of a mother

if anyone has reason for these two not to wed, speak now or forever hold y- [brides dad stands up] "SHE BRUSHES HER TEETH WITH HOT WATER"

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

My son just said he likes 'the booty'. So now I have to convince his mom that the Cinemax show he watched with me was about pirates.

I made eye contact with a British boy today and quietly asked "Are you Harry Potter?" and he and his Mother did NOT think it was funny.

Shouldn't there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

There should be only one World's Greatest Dad shirt. And you should have to kill the previous owner to wear it.

Amoeba: dad, how was I made? Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much

[SCIENCE FAIR] ME: It's a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts. PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids. OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

My mom recently figured out that the best way to get me to call her back right away is to text me that someone died but not tell me who.

"Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?" "Sweetie, I'm pretty sure he's a dog."

My six replaced the toilet paper roll all on her own and now I'm wondering who her real dad is.

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple? Mom: No, sweetie. I don't know how to cut them. Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

Me:what did daddy say when he broke his phone? 7y:can I repeat swear words? Me: no 7y: he said nothing then

Mom called to ask if I'd take her shopping. Me: What time? Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.