Parents Jokes

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it's either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it's Colin.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son? Farmer Son: No. The music sucks. FD: Well then- FS: Don't. FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

It's impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I'm afraid it's time to say goodbye. So this is your uncle, you live with him now.

According to these Father's Day gift sections, all dads are clean shaven business men that love playing golf and think they're #1.

Not now, kids. Mommy's boiling the Easter bunny.

My mother is displeased with me. In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.

[wife leaving for the weekend] "Baby formula is in the cupbo--" "I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad's funeral."

First Rule of Parent Club: If your kid gets their head stuck in something, make sure you get your camera before you help them get it out.

Mom: "Why are you always on your phone? What's so great about the internet?" Me: It doesn't constantly ask me questions

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister- Me: Stop tattling. I don't want to hear about it unless there's blood. 5: Me: 5: How much blood?

once I asked my dad if we could plant a bread tree in the yard & later that night I overheard him & my mom talking about "sending me back"

What happened to sneaking out and getting drunk in the woods? Teenagers these days be all "I hate you mom I'm joining ISIS."

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

My mom pops out from under the table while I'm on a date. She's always been a good eater. You see her hips? Good hips. Stand up, show him-

[at wife's funeral] Son: At least shes in heaven now Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don't know shit about your mom

One time I called my teacher "mom" and she looked so confused and said "I'm not your mom." It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.

The Never Ending Story should've been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

JESUS: everyone loves me GABRIEL: wat about judas GOD: o snap JESUS: dad GOD: u've just been... JESUS: dont do this GOD: TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL

Me: What are your plans for tonight? 13: Think I'll hang out with you and mom. Me: Goddammit...uh I mean that's great.

My dad said he couldn't get into Game of Thrones because he doesn't like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

My son called me 'Marc' I said "That's a little presumptuous. Call me Dad" He replied "Now who's being presumptuous?"

"And you don't want hairy hands, now do you? Oh! And googling 'it' will make you go blind..okay! Mommy loves you." - Sis at her 9 year old.

My mom and her church biddies have morphed Facebook's "People you may know" to "People who likely cleaned your face with spit on a hanky."

I'm sorry you're breaking up [static sound] I'm about to go through a tunnel. Dad, we're right in front of you Uh..... go ask your mom.