Parents Jokes

Me: Excited for the dance? 13yo: No, because you and mom will be there. Me: But I've been workin on my twerkin! 13yo: I need new parents.

"Dad, what's the difference between love and lust?" - Well, ya know your teddy bear? "I love it" - While you're at school, the dog lusts it.

3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy? Me: So I look less tired. 3: Why are you tired? Me: Because I'm a mom. 3: Why are you a mom? Me: 3:

5 kinds of fear: - panic - terror - 15 missed calls from mom - "wrong password" - "we need to talk"

Ariel: "But I love him, daddy!" *sobs as King Tritan rips her iPhone away and unfollows PrinceEric69*

9: You like Twitter Dad? Me: Yep 9: I'll join and be your friend. M: Cool, extra math is great! 9: It's a math thing? M: yep 9: nevermind

[william shakespeare as an 8yo] dad: bedtime william: dost thou not... dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn't be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, "EAT YOUR CEREAL!" for example.

[during ultrasound] wife: I really thought you were the father me: how could you do this to me? wife's grey and black lover: I told y'all

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks "are you OK?"

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

Apparently, "he's an army officer" isn't the correct response to "who's your daddy".

Me: bless me father for I have sinned. Priest: how long since your last confession my son? Me: about 45 minutes ago...

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet. I'm 34 now Mom. I don't talk to them. I sleep with them.

Mommy what's an "Act of God?" Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an "active god" is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

My mom took my child into a store and left me in line to wait for Santa by myself, so now I look like a narcissistic creeper-thanks mom.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. The FedEx guy, and the Walmart greeter. Mom's kind of a slut.

I spent 10 minutes comparing minivans with another dad in case you wondered what it's like to be dead inside.

Daughter: Daddy, why do you have to go to work everyday? Me: Do you like clothes? Daughter: Not really Me: Shut up

I know she's talking about rain but I don't like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it's too snowy to drive. SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

"We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes" CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

Packing my daughter's prom kit...lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I've uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

My 7 year old son told me "You're the most beautiful mommy ever!" I asked him what he did and where's he hiding it.