Parents Jokes

My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he's in all black & I'm telling her we worship the dark lord.

I was raised by my father. He was a competitive poker player.

KID: I'm starting to feel like I'll never find a Coke with my name on it MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife. Me too, I replied.

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month] Me: not all men are like that

"Ways you would tell your mother you secretly have the hots for her." -Family Freud

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. 'Dad, that's the first time' 'That's a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.' So I robbed a bank

Doctor: Describe your headache. Me: She's about 5'8", blonde, and the mother of my children.

Small kid : Mom what happens when you die? Mom : Your soul will go to heaven. Small kid : No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Egypt. Palin. Walmart. Facebook. KE$HA. Bieber. Typos. Snow. Zombies. Superpowers. FFs. Your mom. Boom, I just won Twitter.

whenever my mom criticizes me i yell "it's probably genetic" and run out of the room as fast as i can

Me: Do you love me? 13: Silence Husband: if you don't tell your mother you love her we are going to make out at your next soccer game.

My son is an embarrassment, I'm afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

"Get me another beer, boy" "Dad I'm an adult. My name's Bobby" "It's time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B's in your name are silent"

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

*wife sees me crying* Her: What's going on? Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet? They think I'm pee!

Me: I'm going bungee jumping Mom: y? Me: my friend John is Mom: so if John jumped off of a bridge, would you? Me: that's what I just told u

accidentally called the guy at the oil change place "mom"

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she'll log into twitter.

When punching a toddler, how hard is too hard? Calm down... I'm not talking about MY kid. I know how hard to punch her. I'm her mother.

My Mom is a great travel agent if you're looking to take a Guilt Trip down Memory Lane.

son: why is my name jesus dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel other son: &me? dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't. Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.

mom: who's your background? me: my boyfriend mom: can i meet him? me: not before i do mom: what? me: what?

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent Is a driver's Ed instructor