Parents Jokes

"Yo dad, did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?" *dad checks & realises his mistake* "you know what else isn't in here son? Adopted"

If anyone's interested, I teach a little Web Browsing 101 course every time I talk to my mom ever.

"I saw mommy kissing santa claus" has the same number of syllables as "I saw someone die at Disney World." Life's funny like that.

Goodnight honey. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" The stork flies them in. "Why's it take 9 months?" Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

Scavenger hunt! Find a parent in Walmart who isn't scowling or being verbally and physically abusive to their children.

Me: I don't feel well Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi? Me: No Mom: ... Me: ... Mom: ... Me: *throws up plastic banana*

"Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?" "Can't. Scared." "Of the water?" "No. Palindromes."

3 - DAD! HEY DAD! Me: Don't yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me 3 - *walks over* 3 - I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

Just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have to be Facebook friends, Dad.

[kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Um, the Stork. [stork knocks on bedroom window] He's lying.

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump's mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what's inside.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

Every Facebook post: *Girl posts lyrics* Elderly woman comments "Hi lucy. you're so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday"

[Morning after wedding] *dead husband lies on bed* PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

Halloween '94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

What I Say To 7: "This is just between us" What 7 Hears: "Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse"

[babies txting] "my dad's thumb just came off" lol wtf "wait its back on again nvm" ok lmao "he just stole my nose" im phoning the police

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say "Mommy steals credit cards" when they're in a checkout line.

"Mornin' sweetie, for breakfast we have marzipan filled, double layered raspberry pastries. Yum!" "Poptarts, mom. They're called Poptarts."

"Mom, I hate the word, 'Hemorrhoid'. It's like a weird planet. Hi,I'm Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!" -my 12yr old

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy [meeting her parents] ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

Sorry for not ever wearing a shirt but my father was killed in one and I'm not about to make the same mistake.

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

If your mom still washes your underwear, you're not allowed to have an opinion about anything.

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as "Dad" and he just stood there calling it over and over