Parents Jokes

Mom I'm running away! No I don't need a jacket! Mom no I'm fine I don't need a jac- mom! No I don't need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit Me: ok Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, "Wow you're, like, older than my dad!"

"my dad works at Nintendo" "No he doesn't ur such a liar" *Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat* "Hey sport, good day at school?"

One time I wore my brother's t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.

*lights a scented candle in my house *gets texted 500 miles away from my mother Please watch those candles

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

my dad always makes fun of me for taking selfies all the time but if he didn't want such a beautiful child he should've kept it in his pants

Hey Dad, your neighbor called, they wanna know if you could turn down your TV, they've already heard this episode of Law & Order.

"Mom, what does married mean?" Taking naps together "Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?" No, that means he's getting divorced

My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said "can you hear me?"

[bar closing time] Do you wanna come over to my place? Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah Ok hold on.. *dials phone* Mom? Can you pick me up now?

"So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another" -How I Met Your Stepmother

You think 70 degrees yesterday and snow today is funny, Mother Nature? *empties 326 cans of hairspray outside* Knock that shit off!

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replied, "I know. I saw your tweet!"

Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson's Black Cat blew your Grandma's pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.

6 yo: *yells* Mom! I'm on level 18!!!! Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You're reading. 6 yo: Oh

"My mom was a famous YouTuber." "How embarrassing." - the future

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

"Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other" "Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?"

CW: if you repeatedly see a cardinal, it's the spirit of a loved one. I think that's my mom Me: that's nice. Your mom just shit on that guy

"I'm going to make a great mother one day" I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like "Dude, ask your Mom. I still can't figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn't."

At my mom's house. Just asked if we could record Dateline and she said she doesn't have a blank VHS tape and now my left arm is numb.

Remember being a kid and writing "FiretrUCK" everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn't get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me :(