Parents Jokes

Psssst. Hey you, Yeah you...Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can't respond. That's where House Horn comes in

When I was 13 my dad gave me a bunch of socks n said "I heard u grunting in ur room last night, do it into these" So now I poop into socks

3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet.

My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing.

"Daddy, what's for breakfast?" "Its 5am. Anything you can reach"

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup? Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

Mom said angels are watching over me I'm just afraid they're taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant [table over] Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up* Monkey 2: not worth it man

Son : "Dad, who did I get my intelligence from ?" Dad : "It must be from your mother. I still have mine"

'I've been a very naughty girl!' she said, licking her lips, 'I need to be punished . . .' So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

[CAVE] BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures! DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.

Daddy Bear -"Someones been sleeping in my bed." Mummy Bear -"Wouldn't be the first time." Daddy Bear -"It's been 3 years Sue, let it go."

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad's side of the bed and wake him up.

*dad walks in on me doing homework* "HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK" Dad you're still in third grade "Probably because I'm not a nerd like you"

My mom told me today that she is surprised I don't have a cat. I told her I was surprised she has a husband.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

me: mom i like this person from twitter mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD

"My dad is a famous spy" Yeah my dad sucks at his job too

My mother always told me "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"...and some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year? Me: 6: I like it Me: It's mistletoe son

Got a pretty bad burn on my arm. I was putting a pie in the oven & my dad came up behind me & put a cigarette out on my arm.

this is our son, Ryder Kade Ace Hypermasculine Overcompensation for Daddy's Fears Jones-Rendenburg