Parents Jokes

Ouija board just told me it's still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die

11: Dad, what's your spirit animal? Mine's a tiger. Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella? 11: ...

Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. Unless you have a job where the reward is, for example, getting paid.

When I was a kid I made friends with the wrong people. "those aren't people, those are stray dogs" my mom would say as she dressed my wounds

I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck criminals.

when you post a tweet so good you have to do a bunch of push-ups & your mom bangs on your door & tells you to stop breathing so loud

My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, "I WANT MOMMY," whenever my wife sends me into his room.

I told my kids I've never done drugs or been with anyone other than their father and the idiots totally bought it.

If it was Raining Men I doubt anyone'd say Hallelujah. Pretty sure people'd be screaming things like, "Augh! That guy just killed my mom!"

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming "But dad we're goldfish" Oh yeah, I forgot "Forgot what?"

*gently carrying a burrito in my mouth like a mother cat with her kitten*

Why periods? Why can't mother nature just tweet me and be like "Waddup girl. You ain't pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to you next month"

Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips.

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

You ever randomly hear your mom singing 'Candy Shop' and then die a little inside?

Made my mom the most beautiful Mother's Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.

10's homework question: "Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?" His answer: "My mom."

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don't remember what her answer was.

8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin Me: You were a very hungry fetus- Wife: Ok that's enough time with Dad for today

What's it called when you're anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I'm that.

Father's Day was probably an awkward day in the Jesus household

when I was a little kid, my mom told me I could do anything when I grew up. that's why I'm suing her

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight? Me: Absolutely not D: Why? M: Because I said so D: Because you ate them? M: Yes

"Daddy, am I going to die someday?" "No, you're the only immortal being in the entire world. Goodnight, stupid."

The ACLU has informed me that Mother's Day is too inclusive. So Happy Everyone Gay Pride AIDS Awareness Aboriginal Illegitimate Child Day!