Parents Jokes

I just borrowed $10,000 from my mom to place a bet at a casino here in Vegas. Tiger Woods better win the Super Bowl this year.

A is for apple B is for bear C is for candy D is for your mom

Over all these years, you'd think I'd remember how important the "L" in clock is...especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad's.

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo* "May divorce be with you" "What?" "Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I'd make it fun"

the gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian

"Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you're trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train." - My Dad

[opens lunchbox] YOGURT?!? o no... that means... [my dad is at the office surounded by men and women in suits asking if they can hav a dunkaroo]

HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: ... Do you have a charger I can use?

Sorry I said your mom's beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

[dad training] TRAINER: im hungry ME: ok lets ea- TRAINER: [stares] ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad

[Dads birthday] "Make a wish Dad" *Dad blows out candles *Looks around *Looks @ wife Where did our son go? -What son? *Dad cries with joy

Sometimes I forget I'm from Florida and then I remember when I was 9, my dad had me drive the golf cart so he could get drunk on the course.

I can't wait to jump on my kids' beds at 5am on Mother's Day, and holler "WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?"

Me: What's your dad do? Kid: My dad? He's an actor Me: Why? Couldn't you get a real dad?

Wife: What did you get me for Mother's Day? 3-year-old: A cake. Wife: Where is it? 3: You haven't made it yet.

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I've been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

Me: Give me some space, I'm feeling claustrophobic 8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can't

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too? #slapped

Mom asked about a stock she's owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I've mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though. She's really good at that.

When your prospective father-in-law asks:"Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?" Do NOT say:"Because I am tired of using my own"

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward? Her: Yeah, a little... Me: I was talking to my mom! Mom: No, I'm fine.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around? Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

ME: let me be frank DAD: [eyes widen] ME: and if you say hi Frank I'm dad, I'm gonna be real pissed DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me cat: mother's lips taste perpetually of bacon