Parents Jokes

"DIDN'T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!" ~A parent's memoir.

Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I'm orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.

ESPIONAGE: teen dresses up as a dad for a PTA meeting "i think drugs are cool and we should back off" *snapback falls out of pocket* *gasps*

Hey Girl is your Dad an Astronaut??Because I'm from Nasa. There has been a terrible accident at the Space Station and he is dead

[ring] Me: Hi Mom: You picked up. Me: I know M: Why Me: You called M: I wanted to leave a message Me: Just tell me M: Hang up [ring] Me: Hi

forgive me Father for I have sinned, this is my fourth slice of pizza

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy . Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

as a kid, if i misbehaved my dad would come into my room and shoot me in my head with a real gun, killing me. it made me a stronger person.

"Mom look! It's a toy blue-tooth!"(cereal prize in Doucheberries Crunch)

Dr: your father is real sick Woman: [sobbing] how long? [her dad wheelies past on a bmx] Dr: almost six yards that time

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

I'm not saying she's worse than my mom... But my wife doesn't seem to like any of my girlfriends.

[texting] So what's your name? "ily" omg this is moving too fast. ILY: (yelling) IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

[at my dad's funeral after he drowns] ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It's what he would have wanted...

my mom's house is like the one in Home Alone except all the booby traps are emotional

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill. Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

You think if I tell my dad "30 is the new 20" he'll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

No sweetie, mommy's not drinking vodka again. This is potato water.

Will Smith: "Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me" My Dad: "Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve"

'I've been expecting you, Mr. Bond.' - James Bond's mother giving birth

[At dinner] Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat? Me: Probably like 90% D: So it's 10% balls? Me: *spits out food*

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

There are 25 different kinds of Lunchables and they all taste like a single parent home.

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp? KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud MOM: A generator? For what? KID: To charge our iPods

*hands note Boss: *reading* 'Please excuse my son from' Ridiculous! You're working! *thinking* I practiced my Mom's signature for nothing