I'm not saying she's worse than my mom... But my wife doesn't seem to like any of my girlfriends.

Wife: What did you get me for Mother's Day? 3-year-old: A cake. Wife: Where is it? 3: You haven't made it yet.

My mom told me today that she is surprised I don't have a cat. I told her I was surprised she has a husband.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.