"Always give your food a rinse before you eat it," my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Made terrible sandwiches.

[dad training] TRAINER: im hungry ME: ok lets ea- TRAINER: [stares] ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.

She: We are having my mother For dinner tonight? Me: But darling i'm a vegetarian. . how can i eat her?