Parents Jokes

me: *dies* mom: no get up you still have to go to school.

I live in fear that one day the real "World's Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

All you dads out there couldn't hold a candle to my dad. He's petrified of candles.

If you want to know how many hours your mom was in labor with you, tell her you won't be able to come over & visit.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup: Dad: Who are you routing for? Mom: I'm routing for it to be over.

[mom unloads groceries] if there's one thing i love, besides my wild little rascals, it's subscribing to twenty different online tv services

Me: Goodnight mom I love you Mom: I have a boyfriend Dad putting arm around Mom: This loser giving you a problem?

If you don't like the idea of wiping someone's ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn't become a parent.

Daughter 1: Dad, I'm lesbian. Daughter 2: Me too dad. Dad: Doesn't anyone like guys here? Son: I do?.

Parents: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? Parents: Mom and dad. Me: Mom and dad who? Parents: Exactly, you're adopted son. ;'(

[approaches parent with child on a leash] "Mind if I pet your dog?" Hey that's my son! "Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?"

If you cut off a mommy blogger's head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

A family of ducks walks into a church. "Hi, yes, umm...I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?" The father asks timidly.

elephant: i'm thirsty, how do i drink mother nature: inhale water & squirt it from ur nose directly into ur mouth elephant: what the hell

Why is this wet? Just one of the fun games you get to play as a parent.

Gave someone a ride to school instead of getting coffee this morning because Mother Teresa has had all the attention long enough.

My life is just like Black Swan, except replace ballet with reruns of Teen Mom and Mila Kunis with a carton of ice cream.

Ben: I'm trying to read, you're in my light Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse! Ben: Dad I swear to- Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

Bless me, Father, for I have used Comic Sans. It's been eight weeks since my last use of Helvetica.

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You're like a superhero! Dad: Nice try. You're still not getting the Internet password.

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me "what is in cells?" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket. Novice dad reaction: "You ruined your pants." Veteran dad: "Thank God. I thought it was poop."

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn't do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down* Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I've had a pretty wild week...