Parents Jokes

"Daddy, how are babies made?" "Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink.."

Just remember Mom, you can't spell "disappointment" without "appointment" which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo? DAD: I don't even highlight in books

Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn't oblivious to my Italian bloodline.

[2024] "Yeah my dad left to get vape juice 6 years ago, but he never came back"

Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

[looking at pics] Where's that? -Hawaii Where's that? -Jamaica Daddy where was I? -You weren't born Why's the folder called 'Good Ole Days'?

my 2 yr old today: Mom how'd you get past the cognitivie dissonance of having me even tho climate change will render the world uninhabitable

My mother was feeling cold so now I'm wearing a sweater.

As a mom, I know nothing good happens after you hear one of your kids yell "JOHN CENA!!"

"When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?" Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

When I see a couple and the women's pregnant. I always walk up and YELL "why don't you tell him who is really the father." and walk away

Tried to pick a booger off my phone screen. Ended up calling my mom, signing up for AOL and getting an online degree in refrigerator repair

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix? God: It's an idea I have for a public holiday. TJ: Huh? G: It's complicated.

*Lowers thermostat* *Dad puts it back* *Lowers thermostat again* *Dad puts it back again* The real Cold War

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I'm a bad parent... A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

My father put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like "You're five years old? When I was your age I was six!"

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn't argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

"Daddy, why is it dark at night?" It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

[getting dating advice from my dad] Just be yourself and don't do anything stupid "Well which one is it?"

People are shitting on gorilla kid's mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could've run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

"Dad, where do zebras come from?" Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much

When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me No