Parents Jokes

My mom doesn't understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that's why. (Not blow)

It's impossible to describe why u are angry at a parent without sounding like a lunatic. "They wanted me to eat salad! Can u believe that?"

if you take a selfie at a dad's funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

My 2 year old woke up. 5 minutes of "Mommy!" 5 minutes of "Mommy?" Said "Daddy?" one time & my wife said, "You should go check on her".

*dad bursts into my room and puts me in a headlock* "Why didn't you 'Like' the Grumpy Cat meme I posted on Facebook, you son of a bitch?"

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

[text] "Hey" Hi. "I'm just laying in bed thinking about you." This is your mom. "New phone who dis?" Eric, that doesn't work. You texted me.

As a parent I often wonder if there's anything I could've done differently to prevent the jealousy between my twins Lisa & Hog Face.

It's like my dad always said, "How did you get this number?!"

My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.

I don't care how hardcore you are. If you don't cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

"What's your name?" "Who's your daddy?" "Is he rich like me?" These "reset your password" questions are getting kind of weird.

ahhh. this weather takes me back to the glory days of stealing dad's lawnmower & joyriding all day until the squirrels made the blades stop.

"Daddy, I-" *presses button for soundproof backseat divider Wife: "HOW MUCH DID-" *presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

*police sirens* *Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit* QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN *throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

My father just texted that he's been kicked off the roof of a Cleveland casino for grilling hotdogs, if you ever wondered why I am this way.

I'm pitching a show called "Walking Dad" where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

I love it when corporations have a sassy "human" Twitter presence, like their CEO wouldn't cut your mom's throat for a nickel.

TV needs to stop putting up those stupid "viewer discretion" warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

SON: I need lunch money. DAD: Get a job. SON: I'm in 5th grade- DAD: All I'm hearin' is excuses.

Tried explaining Twitter to my dad, but his "why would you want to do that?" argument was pretty bulletproof.

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG dad: omg [sheds a tear]