Parents Jokes

DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I'm not sure how to tell you this, but... you're adopted. DOG: OMG THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you're the mom.

"hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?" "hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot" *cops bust down door*

2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off. Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.

It's hard not to bring up the fact I'm vegan whenever people talk about food or a new restaurant or that their mom just died or

Her: Show me your pics Me: Ok *blackberry restarts* *waiting* *gets married* *have kids* Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting *dies*

Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She's my new favorite.

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.

Me: goodnight kids Kids: goodnight dad Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT

Imagine how hard you'd cry if you found out your mom had been eaten by a wolf WHILE you were chopping onions.

I just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who's laughing now?

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner? Me: Are you crazy? That'd be terrible for you. 4: Mom's not home. Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away? Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Mom?

"We're not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!" might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed. Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

Gramps' head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can't go to helicopter camp.

My mom: I was thinking of getting my grandson a drum set for Christmas! Me: Funny. I was just thinking about getting a new mother.

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea. Please let her mean diary. Please let her mean diary. Please let her mean diary.

*6 opens piggy bank* Me: wtf where'd you get all that? 6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you'd never know

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back MOM STEAK: no honeyget some sleep [rocky walks into the freezer] ROCKY: time to punch some meats

My mom just replied to my text with "K." Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

My dad says that if I don't stop typing so loudly, he's gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK

I used to pretend that broccoli florets were treetops and I was a giant eating up the forest while my Dad pretended he had a manly son.