A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I'm like 'Well, your Dad's an alcoholic. Scram!'

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

"No mom I DON'T HAVE a boyfriend!" -lie you tell at 18. "No mom I HAVE a boyfriend!" -lie you tell at 28.

As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: "Let me see your phone"