Parents Jokes

Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.

"YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You've been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!" *mom leaves crust on so you'll finally move out*

Oh you love your mom's cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

All it takes is a "food dreadful, service poor" Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

Announced sternly to students today that "only hard things are worth doing!" In other news, I have a bunch of parent emails to respond to.

it's weird how Americans say "soccer" instead of "football" and my dad says "I wish you were dead" rather than "i love you"

My mom always told me to treat people how I want to be treated but... It's not nice to just spank people & pull their hair.

How dare you complain about your life? Someone's mom is Snooki.

"Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?" "Okay" *Mom returns with Morgan Freeman* "I love you mom"

"Mommy, what's a butterfly?" "When a girl loves many boys in a short time during college, she gets a tattoo reminder for her future husband"

I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad

Young mom: My baby is 34 months Me: Oh really I'm 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

Texted Mom a question & she didn't answer right away. I'm going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

3:Mommy why do I have to wear a coat, it's not that cold out!? Me:So other Moms don't judge me and talk shit, Buddy.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.

Enrique Iglesias wants to 1. Be your hero 2. Kiss away your pain 3. Stand by you forever Enrique Iglesias is your mother

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

*logs into Facebook *looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends *comments 'is that your dad' on all of them *logs out of Facebook

My boss just asked if I'm illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

i take my gf on a balloon ride to propose. a field of wild flowers spells Women Are Crooks. "oops sorry." i apologize. "that ones for my dad

Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: SHE'S IN LABOR! Cop: That's a beach ball in a wig. Me: Cop: Me: I don't think I'm the father. Cop: Get out.

Son, its time we had 'the talk.' [dad removes shirt, starts projector, chugs 4 beers] Ok! So Tower 1 steel beams could only have melted at-

"Better out than in," my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Terrible heart surgeon.

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I'm a dream.