Parents Jokes

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing] 7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON'T HAFTA BE ALONE Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

son: I don't think he likes me wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

[at restaurant]] 8yo: why does mom eat half of your food? Me: because.. Wife *evil glare* Me *terrified* because I don't want it.

My kids had a shirt made for me that says 'father of the year 2014 quarter finalist'.

LAWYER: ur dad's estate ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing M: shit

Natural Disasters are just Mother Nature's way of saying, "How many times I have to tell you to stop making such a mess? Go to your room.."

Pro tip: If he pretends he can't hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

"Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?" -my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, "You sound like you're 4 - it's the grocery store".

It's convenient for my password security needs that my mother's maiden name is Waffles4%

"God damn it son. I'm not made out of honey!" - Father bee to son bee.

I don't care if you stop reading after 80 characters. I'm using all 140, even if what I say makes no sense at all. Oh also, your mom's a who

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter? I don't know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

C'mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane) 5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN'T STRONG & HE'LL DIE SOON RIGHT

My mom always said that I'd never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone. Me: Will it make my dinner? D: No but- M: Good talk.

"Hey mom, I talked to my teacher after school and she says 'hump day' isn't a real holiday... She also asked what you do for a living."

"Phone Call to My Dad" feat. My Mom Yelling Things at Me in the Background

Sorry I said your baby looks like the anti-Christ. I meant to say she looks like her mother.

On a scale of 1 to 10 on the hungover scale I'm at "can't handle this conversation with my mom about a hickey."

Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying

My mom's favorite part of Mother's Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Dad : son ,when I was your age I used to walk 6kms to school Son: oh now I get it Dad: get what? Son: why you didn't make it to university

ME: I'm worthless. DAD: Remember, son: you owe eighty thousand dollars in student loans. You're less than worthless.