Parents Jokes

I hate when my kids say "But mom; it was an accident!" So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.

*texting with my mom* Mom: I miss your handsome face! Me: Aww..thanks, mom! I miss you too! Mom: Sorry. Wrong number.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, "Hold on I can't hear you. I gotta turn on the light." The dark was too loud?

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

The average person eats 8 spiders a year *eating 2nd bowl of spiders* "WHO'S AVERAGE NOW DAD?"

5: Mommy said I'm a big boy and can't sleep in her bed anymore Me [sleeping on couch] she's right son

Your Mom: Over 10,000,000,000 Served

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there's still a box of the same thing already open.

Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, "Don't tell my mom."

I should probably never be a mom considering I'd rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone

7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check? Me: I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.

if the waitress at this brunch doesn't give me the Mother's Day special then I shaved my legs and stole this baby for nothing

Son, it's ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car... "OMG DAD. WOW-" ...dboard box. "But-" Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you're welcome

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

9: "Mom, that's a pretty necklace. Can I have it?" Me: "No, I got it as a gift." 9: "Well, can I have it when you die, then?"

6 year old: daddy look we've had a whirlpool in our house this whole time! Dad: for the love of god Timmy please get out of the toilet

"Daddy will u tuck me in?:)" "Ok" *tucks him in* "Daddy sing me a song:)" "Ok" *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

If you make that Civic muffler loud enough, you can drown out your dad's voice calling you a worthless piece of crap. Almost.

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn't believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

Parent Tip: don't tell your child "I'm waiting, I can wait all day if I have to" unless you've actually cleared your schedule for the day.

6: Dad what's a Kardashian? Me: Nobody really knows... 6: Sounds really stupid Me: I love you

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him 40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won't be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that's what's been missing.

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek'd PLEASE DON'T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.