Parents Jokes

"Mom, I'm an adult. There's nothing left for you to show me." (*folds a fitted sheet*) "TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD"

MOM: You give that back to him, mister ME: Ok mom MOM: and what do we say now? ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl

Am I a better husband or father? Well let's just say I never fantasize about being with other kids.

My wife and I are working on our marriage. She's more attentive to my needs and I've mostly stopped telling other women I'm a single father.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell "Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!"

Not to brag but my son's friend said "Your dad looks hot" when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with "Is that heat stroke?" but still.

[on phone] mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it 'pokey-man'

A mother bear defending her cubs but it's me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

6: Daddy the floor is lava! Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room Obama: Joe be professional Biden: STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHER- #BidenMemes

Mom said I should only date "a good man" and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.

dad u make dolphin noises mom u make pinacolada noises grandma u put on this sailboat costume. I told this girl on skype im 16/surfer/hawaii

"Dad, why is my picture on that milk carton?" "Well, son, I guess it's time that I tell you the truth. You were adopted... from a dairy."

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, "Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart." She tagged my sister.

Dad: I'm so hungry. Me: Hi, so hungry I'm son! *Dad turns head very slowly* [camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

1816: a grizzly bear ate my mom as she fetched drinking water. 1916: I'm in a muddy trench, bleeding internally. 2016: IM OFFENDED!

"Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That's all, so you don't need to look." - my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

this guy said i had a chip on my shoulder. i looked over and saw a bowl of salsa on his. i knew right then kids. your father was my soulmate

[dies and goes to hell] me: "mom? dad!? what are you doing here!" dad: "we used to switch your food with the dog's food sometimes."

[Pours goldfish into aquarium] You're free now "Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?"

Someday, my kids will say "daddy, wanna hear a cool story" and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.

We're gonna break the Twitter on Mother's Day with Your Mom jokes, aren't we?

"Superman's Dad" is the last stop for an actor.

Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it's not just women who won't marry you.