Parents Jokes

7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute? Me: You got a warrant?

I'm not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I'm the one your Father highly recommended.

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed? Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don't laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

4-year-old: What's that? Me: A vegetable you won't like. If you don't tell Mom, I'll take it from you. *eats her bacon*

[principal's office] "Your child's previous school indicates you're a bit of a helicopter parent." Velociraptor: That's got to be a typo.

JOSH: Hey dad DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh JOSH: Um yeah DAD: We're changing it JOSH: No please don- DAD: It's done ERIC: What the

The problem with seducing someone via text, is you sometimes end up wrapping your warm moth, or mother around his troubling clock

Mom: you failed your english test, didn't you? Me: who telled you?

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

You know how asparagus makes your pee smell? Well, I just heard from my father for the first time in 14 years.

Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?

"I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-" Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

Dad I'm gay *Dad rips newspaper* "WHAT" I like guys dad "Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second"

"Nobody wants to hear about pooping" Actually Mom, I think you'll find that there's an entire social network dedicated to proving you wrong.

{Father & son fishing} DAD: Son, I don't say this nearly enough... SON: *smiles* Yeah? DAD: ...I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

Ugh, I may have lost my "World's Best Dad" keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don't know where she went.

Me: Mom...Dad. I've decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside

*interrupts parent & child on bus* Actually thats not true, Wolverine has died many times *they get up* Your mother cant shelter you forever

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

My mom wants 3-D eye surgery to see 3-D movies without glasses. I told her they don't exist. She doesn't care. Operation's next Tuesday.

My little girl will never have daddy issues. But her future boyfriends will.

"Dad, we need to talk." "Alright." He grabs a chair and sits. "Dad, you-" He grabs yet another chair. "DAMMIT DAD YOU'RE ADDICTED TO CHAIRS"

my father died in a conga line and so shall i