Parents Jokes

A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn't have cheese on it Wait couldn't I just put the che Mother of god

Daddy long legs are the NBA players of spiders.

4-year-old: We're playing Star Wars. I'm a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper. Me: What am I? 4-year-old: In the way.

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

I was the kid your mom made you invite to your birthday party who then started crying and had to be picked up early.

Behind every entitled shit-head kid is a parent who cuts the crusts off their sandwiches.

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver me: *looking* dad: Isn't that a Phillips beside you? me: It says "Craftsman" dad: me: Are you crying?

"What does your mother do for a living?" "She sells shesells...I mean...Sea sells sea shells...dammit! She's...a beachside entrepreneur."

My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I'm not even the best mom in my house anymore.

I know that as parent you're supposed to listen to your kids but most of what they say is such horseshit

[On The Cross] Jesus:"Father, forgive them, fore they know no-" Voice from the crowd:"DO THE WINE TRICK"

"Dad, are you afraid of ghosts?" "Only when I think of all the people who've died & how they must have us seriously outnumbered...G'night!"

DAD: I want a steak. HER: Eat this chicken instead. It's healthy. DAD: No it isn't. It's dead.

Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, "Mommy close your eyes I have a present."

Dad, who's Daniel Day-Lewis? *Dad peers out the blinds* He could be anyone, son. *Mom starts weeping* He could be anyone.

"I still haven't met his Father, but I'm not worried. Parents love me." - Jesus' gay friend

"Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?" "Uhhh....why?" "I'm drawing a picture of you for school." "Cool! It's spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E."

[answering door on halloween] NEIGHBORHOOD MOM: please stop giving the children hamsters ME *hands full of hamsters*: but it's Halloween

my mom discovered slang. she just texted me "sup?" and i wrote back "not much nigga! just cold kickin it with my breezies!"

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream? Me: I don't see why not. 5: Mommy said I couldn't. M: Hey, there's the why not.

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

My mother always says make the little things in life count. Tomorrow I'm gonna run free math seminars for midgets

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack "Dad I swear they're not mine" DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv? Me: Dad, that's Spongebob Squarepants Dad: Must've been in your sister's class

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like: "Be kind to others, Evil Lisa"