Parents Jokes

Rival Gang Leader: Me: Rival Gang Leader's mom: [nudges son] go on Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother's prospective children. I said I'll name the girl 'Denise' and the boy 'Denephew'.

my dad didn't let me date untill i was pregnant...

"you yelled 'this is not my daddy!' when i picked you up to leave the store. you're lucky i let you live" -how dad signs my birthday cards

SON: Daddy, where do tweets come from? DAD: Well, son...when a Desire for Validation and a Character Limit love each other very, very much.

A sad time in a dad's life is when your son finally dunks on you so you have to cut his hamstring while he sleeps so he can't do it again

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says "everyone be cool! Act normal!" Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

90% of parenting is waiting for the other parent to do something about it.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay cw: don't u collect human teeth?? me: yeah but they're not my teeth

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Then I saw her arguing with him about money. Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

I could never be on a reality show because I wouldn't want my mom to see the faces I make when I talk to her on the phone.

U ever squeeze out a turd so big that it feels like u traveled through time once it's out? anyway forgive me father for i have sinned

QUIT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO! YOU'RE NOT MY FOUNDING FATHER! - strict constitutional constructionist teen to the President

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom's friend Frank, the fork living next door.

I actually don't really hate anybody at all except for Oprah,David spade, Kevin James, the mom from the Berenstain Bears, Sheryl Crow, Kevin

[Parent-Teacher Conference] Teacher: ..if another kid is mean to her, she calmly walks away Me: *flips table* WHICH KID IS MEAN TO HER?!?!

13yo Jesus: You're not my real dad! I HATE YOU! Joseph: One of these days boy, I'll [distant thunder] I'll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Don't give her a Fitbit for Mother's Day. I repeat, don't give her a Fitbit for Mother's Day.

The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend's brother "still had down syndrome." No mother, he walked it off.

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it's a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

[on phone with mom] SHE SAID YES!!!! "congrats, son" I asked her if she thought I was weird "Wait what?" She thinks I'm weird. We broke up

Next dude that complains about the friendzone will be step-son zoned. I will literally marry your dad and step-son zone you. Try me.