Parents Jokes

Everyone knows Superman's father was Jor-El, but no one ever mentions his germophobic uncle, Pur-El.

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

I answer with an automatic "Yes" each time my mom says "Oh, have I told you...?" I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999. Get a ride home from my Mom after I make out with some 14-year-olds.

Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist? Dad: No dear they're people wearing lots of makeup. Daughter: Oh like mommy? Dad: Close enough.

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming [thinking of an excuse because I can't swim] Me: I got killed by a shark once

Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I'm a good person. I mean, I'm going to report it stolen, but still.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

Being a parent is the opposite of the Jenny Craig diet. "I gained 20lbs & all I did was eat small portions of my toddlers leftover dinner."

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad...may we have ice cream? ME: no you may not [long pause] K: dad...may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.

[at parent-teacher night] Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler* I see you're a coffee enthusiast, too Me: Coffee? Oh...yeah, coffee*wink*

911: what's your emergency? me: I taught my Dad how to text 911: the problem ma'am? me: he CALLS to say "yeah, got ur text"

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me? -Your mother. -But my mother lives 5000 miles away. -That's why...

Filling out my Census form. I have to list every person who lives in my home for a majority of the time. What's your mother's name, again?

Daddy, what's for dinner? "did you have cereal for breakfast?" No "then cereal"

*Eating mini Reese's cups* 5&7: Mommy what are you eating? M: Dog poop.

"Since you both claim to be this infant's mother, we'll cut the baby in half." OK. Sounds reasonable. "Y...uh, alright then. Let's do this."

"Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?" "No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken"

I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, "Proud parent of your wife's kid."

When my Dad passes, I will get a tattoo of him looking down at me from Heaven, disapproving of me getting a tattoo to commemorate him.

Your mom doesn't understand Your dad doesn't understand Your friends don't understand But french fries, french fries understand you

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

Random woman in the store: What's in your mom's tummy? 5-year-old: A baby. Woman: What kind of baby? 5-year-old: A human one. Nailed it.