My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean? Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day.....

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night. Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do? *falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so... *hands husband back to my mother-in-law*