Parents Jokes

"Bro, rumor has it ur dads emo now" "Emo? Nah yo, EMU" "Im confused.." *A massive bird moonwalks in w/ a #1 Dad shirt* "Hi confused, Im Dad"

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It's going to be a long night.

When the step kids start talking shit, I like to remind them that I am totally boning their mom.

*Playing catch* *dad throws ball over fence* "I'll get it son!" *25 years later* "Wow he must've thrown it far"

"Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?" - Because they're poor and have to reuse everything. "Pfft losers"

He insulted my sister, and I let it slide. He insulted my mother, and I let it slide. Then...he insulted my tweets.

Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.

My child: Mom, there's a monster under my bed. Me: "That's impossible, they're all running for president right now."

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

Dropped mother-in-law at airport. Her flight isn't until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time... Me:It's amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you...

My mother went to college. My mother had a strong career. My mother has traveled the world. My mother talks to the TV as if it's listening.

"Daddy, where do babies come from?" Show him Edna.. [mum stops slicing carrots] *starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.

Asking your mom, "Will there be any pretty girls coming?" Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

this is the worst weather ive ever seen "what about when the wind had sharks in it?" that was a movie dad "oh excuse me weather expert"

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked "Dad, does God love bettas?" & I said "Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you."

grandpa: ur father changed after the war me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

[Snake family queueing to get on the train] [They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board] SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

"Hi I can't remember the name of this actress.You know her, she's in that movie you saw. She's got that hair." -actual message from my mom

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you. Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair. (silence)

If you watch "The Empire Strikes Back" backwards it's about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad's identity he starts hitting on his sister

Most Trump supporters favorite Disney character is the hunter who shot Bambi's mom and we all know it.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law's dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.