Parents Jokes

I'm calling Facebook "Mom" now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins' birthdays.

HI MOM. YOU'RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars

Just found out I'm pregnant. At least that's what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.

Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me You are a God!

Next time my 5 y/o says "Daddy, guess what?", I'm going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.

WHO SAID "YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED" A) Gov. George Wallace B) The Offspring C) My mom teaching me to do laundry D) All of the above

- Dad, why don't we visit Greece to see pyramids? - Son, why don't we visit school to see your geography teacher?

I'm what you might call 'internet pretty', meaning I'm really your dad.

My dad: See, when you said you'd met a "special someone" we thought... Me: Go on. My dad: Me: [taking hold of the penguin's flipper] GO ON.

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs. Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

A spider crawled on my son's hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society.

My mom just told me she's been watching that "Game of Thongs" show. Gawd I hope she's just saying it wrong.

"Yes, I need to check in." "Sir, this is a burn unit." "Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback."

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool

[job interview] "Tell me about yourself" *flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests* I'm a risk taker

*pretends to get electrocuted when I shake your dad's hand for the first time*

[Texts to 14] Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey [Reply] OMG DAD WAT? [Text] Hi

My mom and I donated 15 boxes of old books to Goodwill, and in every 100th book I left a note with an urgent spy message.

My son went over to a friend's house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.