My dad told me they once had to cancel a football season because John Madden ate all of the footballs.

My mom likes to call from baseball games just to say she can't hear me 25 times.

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn't believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

*Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.