Parents Jokes

DAD: wat am i chopped liver CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

DOCTOR: congratulations, it's a boy! *holds up baby tricycle* BICYCLE DAD: what the hell? BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

Nothing says "I'm a shitty parent but at least I'm rich" like giving your 2 year old an iPad.

*grandma climbs into time machine* *shuts the door behind her* MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool? Me: Sure! 9: *tells story* Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define "something cool".

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don't need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and "we'll see what happens" is considered inappropriate.

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad's house

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I'm still eating

mom: do the dishes me: i cant im ugly

My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, "I miss you dad, please take me fishing." But it keeps coming out like, "Hey, can I have $20 dollars."

son: hey dad me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes son: now don't get mad me: [dials 1] ok son: do we have a fire extinguisher me: [dials 1]

Dr: He has a lot of blockage "So my Dad has a bad heart?" Dr: He also donates to charity "So he has a good heart?" Dr: Ya, it evens out

5yo: Daddy, what's a facial? Me: Your brother. 5yo: I don't have a brother!? Me: Exactly!

In the eye doctor waiting room with my mom. There's apparently an old person throat clearing competition here today.

Mom, your tweets are mostly outdated pop culture references "yeah and I woulda gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids"

Dad: There's no use crying over spilled milk son. Me: But dad it was tequila! Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

"You're not leaving the table until you finish it, young man!" --termite mom

I'll dress up like your Dad and hug you at the finish line of a 5K if you promise to never post any Facebook pics of you running ever again.

My father in law is one of those "deep sigh until someone asks what's wrong" kind of women.

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled "YOURE WASTING SHIRTS" at the TV

I need your parent's phone number so I can call you & hang up when they answer. Cause if I'm gonna crush on you, I'm doing it old school.