Parents Jokes

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

If you've had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent ...or your life is way more interesting than mine

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food ME: got it HER: dad, this my date ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

"And what do your parents do?" BABY COW: Well, my mom is basically a vending machine and my dad is hamburgers

"Oh, don't use that picture of me, honey. Please, I look so old in that one. You must have a better picture." -Whistler's Mother

JOSEPH: who did you name me after? ME: you were named after my grandfather GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

*daughter grabs 50 shades of grey* NO! *smacks it out of her hand* "I want to color!" ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK "But daddy-" DON'T CALL ME THAT

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU! Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

me: time to apologize. did you eat the receipt? 8: yup me: ok cause if mom finds out we bought these flowers at the grocery store we're dead

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive. Well, boo hoo. My dad was actively aggressive. Just ask my hand.

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco. Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he's away on fishing weekends.

Mom: What are you hiding in there? -nuthin [Vin Diesel noises from closet] M: Is Vin Diesel in there? -...yes Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

my signature move is yelling "where in the fridge?!" and "i don't see it!" until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me

Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest

*watching a scary movie* 7 y/o daughter: They're just people in masks, right Dad? *blankets pulled over my head* "Sure, if you say so"

My mother arrives on Friday, so I have to do three months worth of cleaning in 48 hours. Also, lose 30 pounds and live up to my potential.

Just introduced my teen daughter to Monty Python, thus completing my duties as a father. I will now retire to Florida and await grandkids.

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn't want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

It's like my mother always told me, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Then she said I looked fat.

Every kid dreads accidentally calling their teacher "mom" but from personal experience, doing it in a rap battle is worse

I could never be an actress because I don't want kids and would never be able to say "but my favorite role is being a mom" at award shows.

(Showing off new car) Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got? Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for... Nevermind, her mom picked her up.

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me? *I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can't remember my son's name