Parents Jokes

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It's offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

I see ur bio says 'Medical Intern'. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it's infected. It is right?

*puts on Rocky theme music* *cracks neck* *cracks knuckles* *stretches* *jogs in place* *picks up phone to call mom*

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop) Shirtless mother: what should we name him? Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra...ham

Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.

haha lol ownded dad!!!! u may thimk its nice that u get a fathers day once a year, but ther is a son day evrey week

The worst part about my dad having a ponytail is, whenever we go out to eat, the server automatically hands the bill to me.

Fact if it's mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that's not enough babies!

The Russian version of "How I Met Your Mother" is just a single episode showing a guy browsing a web page.

"911, please help im dying" Good cop: help is on the way Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man Dad cop: hi dying, im dad

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work? Me: No, I have to listen to my boss. 4: Mom is at your work?

I downloaded "ambient coffee shop" track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling "Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?"

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito? Me: In Alabama? S: Yeah. M: Of course not. Why do you ask? S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

Just googled "who is Gossip Girl?" and swear I heard my mom whisper "you're one of us now."

ME: any advice DAD: its ok to embellish a little [later at job interview] INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself M: i wrote harry potter

"Mommy, why does an old person's skin look so see-through?" Aw, honey, it's just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

[loudly so dad who's been depressed since mom left can hear] Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS *dad looks up*

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father Luke: really? Darth Vader: yeah. Why? Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

[enter password] mypulloutgame [password weak] All 8 of my kids: daddy why are u crying

Date: So... Tinder, huh? Me: Yup. Date: ... Me: This is kind of awkward. Date: Maybe we should've used real pictures. Me: You think so, MOM?

Asked my 65yo mom what she'd like for Christmas and she said "Surprise me". Hope she likes her new pet python.

[calls home] son: hello me: hi, put mom on the phone son: I can't me: why son: she's too heavy

Just said "No you can't have an apple because you'll spoil the pizza that's being delivered very soon." I shouldn't be allowed to parent.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .