Parents Jokes

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen? Me : Sorry, darling. We can't watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

I asked mom once how she knew dad was "the one". "because," she replied, "DNA tests don't lie."

Every so often my mother has a great idea, usually it involves leaving my house.

I just seen a kid yell at his dad and tell him "No jerk!" I yelled at my dad once when I was 12, then I woke up and I was 16.

if ur mom kisses the dog he becomes ur dad

There is absolutely nothing funnier than yelling "HE'S STEALING MY BABY!" at a dad having a hard time with his kid in public.

Paper towel ads always show kids making huge messes then mom smiles & cleans it up. My mom would've handed me a mop then beat me with a belt

5's friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I'm already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

It's like my dad always said: "Stop quoting me and come up with your own ideas."

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

if i ever become a dad my thing is gonna be sayin "spoiler alert" to my kid& then pointing at cars w/ spoilers. thats gonna be my dadphrase

Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.

"Dad why'd u name me this?" I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live "Oh ok" Now let's go, Air Bud, we're gonna be late for church

*phone rings* Yoda: Yoda Luke: WTF VADER'S MY DAD? Y: Uh L: And you knew & told me to kill him? Y: L: Y: Going thru a tunnel I am *hangs up*

ME *sees baby crab in stroller*: He's so cute! I just wanna rip his lil legs off dip em in butter and eat them! MOM CRAB *beaming*: thank u

Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat. "Wear something that doesn't show stains" [5 hours later] How was your date? She hated my poncho.

Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didnt realize we were having dinner in my room

dad: You're sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving me: Why? dad: What's a fuse? me: Uh dad: Who's SpongeBob's best friend? me: Patr- oh

Mom there's a boogie man in my closet! *mom looks and I'm standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

*wakes up early on weekend *makes 12 pancakes *wakes kids up "Daddy, can we have waffles today???" *eats 12 pancakes

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy? Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines. Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

One time my mom dropped her phone while she was talking to me then picked it up and said "You OK?"

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

[narrating a commercial for therapy] "For a 100 bucks an hour we'll blame your mother."