Parents Jokes

It's a difficult day for me today. Today is the day I tell my dog that I am not his biological mother and that his real mother was a bitch.

Bought my dad a pair of Crocs for his birthday, then pushed him down a flight of stairs for looking stupid in them.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking "Do you want these nuts?" and I'm not mature enough to be a parent.

I know I'm getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

Me: Hi, mom. I'm feeling tremendous guilt. Mom: Why? Me: Just thought I'd save you the effort.

How's school, Hannah? "Really tough, dad." They're calling you Hannah Banana, aren't they? "No-" WHY THE HELL NOT

Kid: "I want to be a doctor when I grow up." Mom: "You can't. Your hands aren't cold enough."

[Blazing hot day] Don't forget to take a jacket, it might get cold. ~ My mom.

Mom: You need to get a hobby. Me: Like photography? Mom: I don't think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.

My son can go from "omg...you're impossible I can't wait until I'm 18!" To "you're the best mom ever" in a matter of $100

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It's like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don't say a word. Momma's gonna buy you a mocking bird Mom: like hell I'll buy that kid anything..

Just listened to a conversation between 3 people under 18 and now I don't know how my Mom or a stranger didn't murder me as a teenager.

My mom was in a horrible car accident on her way to pick up lunch today. It's really bad guys, I need your prayers. I'm so hungry.

who called it your 4th stepfather instead of mom beau number 5

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires. *Can I have oreos?* [NO]

How many shares of Facebook stock do I have to buy to disable my mom's "Like" button?

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo] DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo? DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

ME: Leave me alone! You're not my real dad! CRAWDAD: [patiently] I am doing my best to raise you on my own. Now eat your plankton.

[dj voice] "What's up Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?" [dads in unison] DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

Anyone: I'm cold Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I'm not your mother Dog: *shivers once* Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

"son, I've had to throw my golf socks out" "Why dad? cos you got... A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA" "No son. I killed a man. They're covered in blood"

grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i'd see her again me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road

Me: *passes ransom note* Mom: 2 bags of unmarked cookies? Me: Or you'll never see the cat alive! Mom: He's behind you. Me: STUPID KITTY!

I don't need WebMD to tell me what's wrong with me, I have my mother.