My mom when I was a kid: "Never talk to strangers." "Never get in their cars." Me to my future kids: "Here's how to order an Uber."

A priest, a thief, and a soldier. (Long) A thief, a priest, and a soldier were all in a plane that's about to crash. They each decide to drop something so they can look for it just in case they survive. The priest drops a bible, the thief drops a knife, and the soldier drops a grenade. The plane crashes, and, miraculously, they survive. They go their separate ways and begin to search for their items. The priest is walking around and see's a little girl crying. He says ""Little lady, why are you …

A man goes to a fortune teller. She lets out a gasp. ""What is it?"" he asks. ""Your future is very grim, my child."" says the fortune teller. ""What is it? Tell me!"" responds the man. ""I cannot say it, but I will right it down."" says the fortune teller. She writes down something on a piece of paper and hands it to the man. The man stuffs it in his coat pocket without reading it. Later that evening, the man tells his wife about the experience. ""Show me the piece of paper then."" says his wif…

A Mexican, a Hawaiian and a US Army member are on a plane... When the pilot tells them that they must shed weight or they will not have enough fuel to make it to their destination. Each member of the plane must throw one of their bags from the plane. The Mexican grabs a box full of tacos and tosses it from the plane. A minute later a little girl on the ground starts crying. ""Honey, why are you crying all of a sudden?"" ""I was just standing here and a box of tacos landed on my head."" The Hawai…