Parents Jokes

"Dad!" my shit says, right before I flush it.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family? Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I'll have to check on everyone else. Doc: ...

A friend's father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as "Your grandmother's in the hospital. LOL."

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG'S MOUTH: who's a good boy DOG: your mom ME: please take this seriously

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Then he put a black rubber ball in her mouth with a strap around her head I'm just telling you what I saw

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs' mother high when she named them all?

No mom, I can't date him. Well he took that which superhero are you quiz and well...*whispers* he got Daredevil.

At my parent's house, or as I like to call it, the world's most judgmental self-service laundromat.

7: mommy can I play on your computer? Me: later 7: what do you mean by later? Me: I'm hoping you forget.

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers? WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ....Chicken pox

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I'm wondering if I should have married her instead.

My dad is so cheap that when he dies he is going to walk towards the light and turn it off..

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it's not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

Me: you can't just be pretty. You have to be smart too! 8: But mom, you're pretty. Me: Awe thank......wait what?

As a kid on summer nights I'd capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say "please buy me a sega this does nothing for me"

It's like my father always used to say, "[years of silent disappointment]"

I am wearing a jacket, because my mom felt cold.

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven't answered her email and she wouldn't know the new address to send it to.

Me: [in bathroom] 7yo: [knocks] MOMMY? Me: Yeah pal 7: IT'S ME Me: I know 7: YOUR SON Me: Knew that too

that kid at the public pool who kept screaming at his mom to watch him jump in grew up to be a blogger

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She's concerned that "the haters" in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

"Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe" -straight up killin' it at this parenting thing

Me: Can I have $5? Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I'll solve it... [Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.