Parents Jokes

"Mom, dad, I'm gay" *dad looks angry as heck* "Gay for women that is! haha, erm... i love me some vajimbos & those boob things yes siree"

"What sins have you committed?" Well... [20 minutes later] ... finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father? *vomiting sound*

"You may now kiss the bride" Wow this is the happiest day of- *dad flies by in hot air ballon* QUEEERR *throws football at my head*

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes. I tell her it's not London she has to worry about. I just injured myself on a potato.

Mother's may get a day, but shark's get a whole week! Mom sharks get 1 week AND a day. ...don't even get me started on black shark moms.

1) Print out all your favstar trophies and fold them so they are 2D 2) Put them on your mantle 3) Invite dad over 4) Become favorite son

My mom's (one ethnicity) & my dad's (another)... So I guess you could say that makes me a (shitty, lazy comedian!)"

my brother turned 30 this weekend and i'll never forget what mom said when dad told her we're growing up too fast "they're eating dog food"

DAD: I can't believe you bought me a house for Christmas SON: I hope you enjoy it DAD: I'm just gonna... SON: Oh no DAD: Live in the present

VENOM: Time to meet your maker! SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider? VENOM: No, like- SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he's dead. Wow, ur a douche.

My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we're born 8 y/o daughter: Wife: ZACK!

Just snipped off a toddler's faux-hawk while his mom was in the bathroom at Starbucks, because I give a shit about the future.

3 Year Old: Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was? Wife: Yes. But only for a minute... two tops. Me: ...

Dad Dragon: If we weren't supposed to eat them they wouldn't come w plates and toothpicks now finish ur damn knight Teen Dragon: I hate you

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don't you come join me? [Lobster]: No I'm good over here. That's how my dad died.

It's funny how you become mom's new favorite when your sibling is in jail.

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF] "Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he'd get a new family"

Trying to think of something fun to do with the kids so I can Instagram it & look like a great dad.

I'm never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

I'd rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink...

Ted: "Dad, why don't I have a middle name?" Dad: "Actually son, Ted is your middle name. Your first name is Adop"

NEMESIS: i hate you ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend NEMESIS: so can you stay the night? ME: i'll ask my mom

"Why'd the chicken cross the road?" "Why Daddy?" "To get to the other side!" "Did it look both ways?" "It was a...yes. Yes it did."

90% of being a parent is shouting, "Remember to flush the toilet." The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called. Your father died last night on duty. He wanted you to have this. "Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*