Parents Jokes

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM'S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

God I hate these crossword puzzles Does anyone know a 3 letter word for "Father"?

89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.

Someone please tell my mother she won't get a free iPod by clicking the links. She's convinced I just don't want to show her how to use it.

Father's Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.

Made it to that level of dad where I just called dibs on the TV that I bought in the house that I own with the cable I pay for.

If i don't get a B+ or better on the Emergency Broadcast System Test this Saturday. My mom said she's taking my iPhone away for a month.

Hi, I'm Brandon and I'll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are "ur mom", "lol own3d", and "u mad bro lol u mad?!??!"

You could kidnap my mom and she'd still ask if you've eaten.

My dad turns 60 today. Only 9 more years until I can make the kind of jokes that'll show him what a shining beacon of disappointment I am.

DRUGSTEP: christian parents worried about teenage son "have you been smoking dubstep?" "mom what??" "DON'T LIE TO ME WHERE'S THE SKRILLEX"

No sweetie, you can't have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that's not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

HR said it's not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness

Text from mom: How's my baby girl? Me: I'm moving back in. Mom: Your room is ready. Me: No, your uterus! Mom: Steph you drink too much

My daughter wrote, "I will see you every day of our lives," on my Mother's Day card, so I guess we've resorted to threats now.

Child twister: "I can't tear up that farmhouse, Dad" Dad twister: "Come on son we're Kansas tornadoes, not Kan'tsas tornadoesn'ts"

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Padre: What is your sin, my child? Me: Twitter. Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree* Okay, now give that back to mommy and don't touch another one, okay?

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I'm part of their web of lies now too.

"It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your son is?" "I'm at home, mom. You raised a loser."

Talk to your kids about drugs. Learn which drugs are cool rn. You don't wanna be a nerd parent

How many times do I have to tell you this Mom? I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage.

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT'S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

I'm on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it's taking all my strength to not scream "WE FORGOT KEVIN!"