Parents Jokes

Just imagine if Usain Bolt was your father and you were trying to run away from a beating.

Nothing warms the heart more than a father teaching his son how to clear his history.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the 'Dime Store', great, now I've got to go all the way to the 70s.

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

"I have found our arguments quite useful - almost as useful as those I had with my father." - Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

Overheard 2 dad's at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me. Joke's on them. I don't have kids.

Mom: I'm worried you might end up alone. nMe: Don't worry mom, do you know how many followers i have???nMom: ... ( Worried face)

North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well...except mom was ticketed for littering

4: "Mom, I'm gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time."

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

"Are you talking back to me?" "Mom, that's how a conversation works."

"daddy where do babies come from" "we just don't know, sweetie...*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* "...we just don't know"

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out* Kid: But that means- *Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

My dad shouted "shut up idiots" to the cats. I told him "You're speaking English to a cat. You're the idiot. You have to meow at them."

Dad owl: I'm dying so I need you to look after things. I'm going to give you- Son owl: Don't say it Dad: Power of a tawny Son: [turns head]

MOM: Story time ME: Yay! MOM: it's called "The Little Engine that Could, but doesn't cuz he's a little shit that won't move out" ME: mom?

I don't see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

Thanks for the free womb & board, Mom! Happy Mother's Day.

My mom likes to play a version of 20 Questions called 500 Really Stupid Questions.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is- MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG? DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

"Daddy, what happens when we die?" "You get married and have kids"

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

[in heaven after crucifixion] jesus: "they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there" god: [rubbing his neck] "see the thing is"

No mom I won't go to "night school," I already get what night is, it's that bullshit thing where the sun turns into the moon for a few hours