"Don't move or she's dead" was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

If you call & I don't answer, I'm not dead, I'm napping. - Things I have to say to my mom

Wife: "If I die first, I want you to remarry." Me: "Wow. Do you really hate me that much?"

If my dad were alive today he would say, "Mark stop telling people I'm dead"