Wife: "If I die first, I want you to remarry." Me: "Wow. Do you really hate me that much?"

*sees cars lined up outside church* wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding? me: What's the difference?

Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception? [at the same time] ME: Murder-suicide HIM: The chicken dance!