Parents Jokes

I chose a cell phone carrier for my mom based on high percentages of dropped calls.

I'm not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

Daddy can u get me a drink? "No, you're 5yo you can get your own drink" Fine *goes to fridge "While you're there can you grab me a beer?"

9: Why are you hitting that spider? wife: I don't like spiders me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper* mother-in-law [leaving] I don't have to take this

Good cop: license and registration please Perp: I'm sorry was I speeding Dad Cop: hi sorry was I speeding, I'm dad.

Mom always said she didn't have a favorite child, which was tough because I don't have any brothers or sisters.

"Wow! Go show your mommy!" -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

My Mom asked me to help her sign up to Twitter so I did and she's really enjoying Google Plus.

6: I'm going outside to play. Me: Stay in your own yard. 6: Define "my own yard" Me: .... have fun. So her mother's child.

Don't you hate when someone without kids tells you how to parent? I think I know how much alcohol my kids can handle.

9: Mom! Where's my Spiderman costume? I want to wear it to the science museum "In your closet, why?" 9: DUH. To attract radioactive spiders!

I chug everything I drink just so people can't say I have a problem with alcohol. So you're telling me I have a problem with Pepsi too, mom?

She: We are having my mother For dinner tonight? Me: But darling i'm a vegetarian. . how can i eat her?

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ?? Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini? Me: That is actually called a G-string, son. 9: Oh, does the "G" stand for gross?

*kids running down the stairs* DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, "SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR."

My 'Mom Voice' was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

"I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this." -me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I'll try shouting

My bf asked me to act like a "naughty school girl" for him so I forged a note from my mom saying I don't have to participate.

"dad, what does extravagant mean?" idk son. why don't you ... [i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace] ask your mother

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn't a teen mom. Because that child would not be OK today.

Mom: Any big plans today? Me: Yes, of course, my friend is coming over and... Mom: The mail doesn't come on Sundays. Me: Oh, then no. :'(

7: Dad what does this word mean Me: Bring me a dictionary *Smack up side the head Me: Now go google that shit

Son:Dad, what is 'creeping inflation'? Father:It's when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.