Parents Jokes

*does 3 or 4 pretty accurate karate kicks in front of a girl* "Ya as I was saying my dad went to middle school with the drummer from Tesla"

I just dropped my BlackBerry! This must be similar to how mother's feel when they drop their infants.

Siri just said I'm looking for love in all the wrong places so I'm tryin to figure out what happened to Siri and how my mom got in my phone.

I learned about being sad from my dad. He's kind of a lamentor to me.

"Luke, I have no idea who your father is." #AlternateUniverseFilms

The Conjuring 3: Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids. The kids torment them back. They're better at it. The spirits flee.

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she's watching over me Mom's Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you'd believe

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I'm very sorry for your loss.

Yeah, bitches! I just sharpened a pencil with a KNIFE. I feel like such a man. I'm gonna go show my mom. BRB

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

I can always count on the local cemetery for free Mother's Day flowers.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad. Son: What's wrongdad? Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.

MOM: Any plans tonight? ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary? M: Yessss

MOM DON'T COME IN!! *mom opens door & you're playing with pokemon, except they're real* HOW MUCH OF THE TRUTH ARE YOU READY TO HEAR MOM

Dad said I need to be the rock for a friend who is having a tough time. Currently practicing that eyebrow thing & wrestling moves.

Mom, you're embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of "You had so much potential" with a steaming side of "You shoulda married Jeff."

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a good chat. Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

If Oedipus was alive today he would've killed his mother for nagging and moved to California and married his father.

My heart say "Yes" But my mom says "No"

"Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?" "Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals."

Told my mom I was adopted. Totally April Fooled her ass.

ME: This house is haunted WIFE [sigh] We've been thru this, that's our son SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

What if "baby daddy" meant a father who was actually a very small baby? A little baby dad. Baby Dad, coming this fall to ABC Wednesday night