Parents Jokes

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom ...

[hugging mom at sister's funeral] "And you said I'd never be your favorite"

[my kid, literally every school morning] "I hate mornings. I'm not getting up" [1st day of summer vacation] "dad, can we watch the sunrise"

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet? M- Are you sure you just don't want to know where baby's come from?

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me :(

Totally thought I was on the phone with my mom for an hour today. Was Daniel Day Lewis the whole time. Damn he's good.

I was close to becoming a rap god. But then 1 day my mom licked her thumb to wipe a smudge off my face as a kid & ruined all my street cred.

*kid opens Easter egg* *egg begins beeping* "Dad why's it ticking" SON NO THAT'S FROM THE- *egg explodes* *sheds tear* Middle-Easter bunny

Mom: You should come camping with us! It's only $100! Me: You want me to pay $100 to sleep outside? Mom: Yeah. Me: I'm getting a new Mom.

If you're too old to get teen pregnant but still want to see a look of disappointment on your father's face, may I suggest a short haircut.

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions? "she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions"

[Jesus on the cross] *texts with 1 hand* "um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf" *5 hrs pass* "new phone. who dis?"

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother. Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we're gonna go pro.

Son: Dad I'm in love with a girl just like mum. Father: So what do you want from me? Sympathy?

kids let me explain this in teen. your father & i have unfollowed each other. he was yoloing another woman. it's 4:20 time to smoke divorce

"Dad Is that a killer whale?" "No son thats an orca" "Oh. Well what's a killer whale?" "U see that whale that's covered n tats & smokin weed

"Wow you're one of the nicest old ladies I've ever met!"- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

"we lost your dad during surgery im very sorry" ha, hes always wandering off "no he.." *holds up one finger while on phone* dad ring me back

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

son ur mom told me u & ur gf broke up today? *puts hand on sons shoulder* if u had bought a pet falcon like i told u she woulda never left u

I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?

What I say: I'm on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

I'm ready to be a father now that I've successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he's so happy, he's relaxing & floating on his back...wait...