Parents Jokes

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

mom: no TV for a week! dad: and after you take a bath you can't use your hands to get out of the tub *sons jaw drops* mom: [whispers] nice

My mother's maiden name is Password

My 13 yo niece is "experimenting with alcohol" according to my dad. Like she's keeping a ledger of her findings. "12/21/09: Scotch. Woo!"

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I've been drinking at home, stupid kids can't reach the pedals.

Never marry a girl whose mother's name is Hope.... because 'Hope' never dies.

(Disney Dating Tips) 1.Kidnap Dad 2.Coerce Daughter 3.Awkward music-filled dates 4.Angry mob danger 5.Stockholm Syndrome -Beauty & the Beast

I gave my dad a two handed high-five once when I was 10. I had to spend the next 12 years convincing him I wasn't gay.

Mom, you bought me the wrong magazine! This isn't MAD, this is DISAPPOINTED!

In my son's class they were talking about allergies, my son said "My mom says she's allergic to most other moms" Super

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor? Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing! Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I'm right here

"Stop calling me your roommate. I'm your husband and the father of your children." -My Roommate

[Thanksgiving] ME: hey dad will ya pass the peas DAD: say please ME: hey dad will ya pass the please DAD: *tears up so hard*

This woman at work sounds just like me. I'm going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.

Just watching 50 Shades of Gray with my dad

My dancing style can best be described as "Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn't The Father."

"Daddy, do you like princesses?" "Yes." "Why?" "Well usually they have a nice set of ti-" Wife: "Shut it." "I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON."

[dj voice] "Make some noise, Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "Whatcha wanna hear, I'm taking requests" [in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I'M DAD

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild* Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute! *pulls out phone, dials number* Hi mom, I got home safe.

children crying as stepdad attempts to overturn custom t-shirt mall kiosk that accidentally typed "#2 dad" on his photo, stepdad also crying

Hey girl is your dad a terrorist cause...oh your dad works for Al-Qaeda? No, wait this is a pickup line. I'm sorry please don't cry.

One of the hardest parts of being a parent is discovering your 6 year old is better than you at every video game ever.

My cat yells at me like she's my mother.

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

My GFs family are religious which sux 1st time I stayed there her dad wouldnt let us sleep together Was a shame cuz he was very attractive